[Production Note: This is a musical adaptation of my earlier production, "My Conversation With Satan." While it can be enjoyed without following the embedded links in the following text, I highly recommend that you partake of them.]
My Dinner With Satan
By Matt Love, author
UallR Funny, additional dialogue
theamvgirlx - associate producer
A short while ago, I had a chance encounter on the street with Satan. I don't usually go out of my way to talk with malevolent entities, but I will pretty much talk with anybody who starts a conversation with me. I'll talk with robots, I'll chat with women that want to show me their naughty bits on webcam, I'll chat with Nigerians with excellent investment opportunities for me in their country, and yes, I will chat with the Prince of Darkness himself I will play a gig anywhere there are 3 people that want to see me, a booking in hell couldn't be much worse that Shelton, Washington, L O L! I never used to say L O L, but Satan says it, and now that he's mind controlled me, I find I'm saying it too.
Act 1
Satan: ass off
Matt: ok
Satan: u crap
Matt: not as often as I would like to
Satan: I don't know u
Satan: so twat off
Matt: ok
Satan: block me
Matt: why? I find you entertaining. I would miss our little talks.
Satan: I don't know u, so block me asswiper
Matt: I did not think I knew you, either, but now I remember. You're the single white guy who paints and plays music in live art and music shows, you're into the paranormal and design spirit type graphics. I'm the married white guy who is a Pisces And I like Chihuahuas and Chinese noodles. Can I make a movie of this conversation?
Satan: why not
Matt: great! can I use your real name?
Satan: what is my real name?
Matt: that doesn't seem to be the easiest thing to figure out.
Satan: send me link to blog so I can talk more crap to u on ur knobbing stupid crap blog ok?
Satan: Satan is my name. use it please
Matt: Satan aka Robert Brown
Satan: Who is Robert Brown?
Matt: Robert Brown is your name on Tagged
Satan: I'm not on tagged
Satan: tagged.com sucks. For wimps
Matt: somebody spoofed us both then.
Satan: I'm on MySpace and face book. tagged.com. never used it. Satan is my fav name so use my real fav name. People know who I am. Satan prince of the world
Matt: I've always wondered if you were real..
Satan: I'm very real
Satan: god is real
Satan: angels are real
Matt: this is great news, because I thought "If I ever talk to Satan I'm going to ask him to join The Ice hole Sailors"
Satan: demons on real
Matt: but I see from your attitude that you are not a joiner, but you might be a ruler.
Satan: ice hole saloon. funny. I'm a member
Matt: You can be the new lead vocalist We even have a song named after one of your minor demons. "dust devil"
Satan: L O L
Matt: that's very demonic, and I'm frightened now.
Matt: I wish I was in my bathtub with my rubber ducky. I would squeeze it. or maybe singing my song... The Beelzebub of Scrub A Dub Dub. I have a long history of interest in demonology
Satan: ur funny. 2 bad u will burn in hell while I L O L at u. Would you like to have a bite to eat?
Matt: Wow, Satan, that would be great. What have you got in mind?
Satan: How about an intimate tête-à-tête at a little place called Harry Housen's?
Matt: Wow, that would be great, but there's no chance of getting in. That place is always packed.
Satan: Oh, I have a reservation.
Matt: How did you do that?
Satan: I just called, you know...
Matt: Didn't use some sort of demonic intervention?
Satan: Oh, you.
[Satan and Matt enter the restaurant. They are immediately seated by a very solicitous and unctuous waiter. Their conversation continues while they are attended to closely by the wait staff; napkins are placed on laps, menus in hands, Satan's horns are polished.
Matt: This is great, I have a tremendous appetite.
Satan: I have an appetite for destruction.
Matt: Let's have some appetizers
Satan: Good. I'll order some deviled eggs.
Matt: Have you eaten here before?
Satan: Oh yes, many times.
Matt: What do you recommend?
Satan: How about a nice sizzling steak? I'll tie you to it, and the chef can light it, ha!
Matt: ha ha! yes, an old one, but a good one, none-the-less. what are you having?
Satan: Not sure yet. Leaning towards the red snapper. but that would be like cannibalism.
Just then the waiter returns.
Waiter (to Satan) What does sir desire?
Satan: Not sure yet. Start with him [gestures towards Matt, the waiter turns to Matt]
Matt: I'll have a sea bass, and don't stint on the low frequencies.
Satan [closing the menu with finality]: Deviled ham, please.
[The waiter leaves, their conversation returns to music).
Matt: So anyway, you should really listen to The Beelzebub of Scrub A Dub Dub. I think you would dig it. You can hear it on soundclick.
Satan: as if Ill click a sound click link. that site sucks my evil big ass balls
Matt: well, I guess I don't have any choice. I'll just have to give you the real The Beelzebub of Scrub A Dub Dub treatment live [Don't be a Satan, check it out here and now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIO9y1xMPIA]
[Matt joined by wait staff and orchestra - which up until then had been quietly playing muzak versions of Icehole Sailors songs - strike up a brilliant rendition of The Beelzebub of Scrub A Dub Dub, with restaurant customers and staff unite in a Busby Berkeley routine (see for example http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIO9y1xMPIA).
Satan: I see all things. I know all things. And I know I've never seen anything like that before.
Matt: Well, it's nothing really. I was born this way.
Satan: I can come within ur soul and make u do very bad things. watch
Matt: you are right! instead of eating this celery, I'm going to push it up my nose now [does so]
Satan: I'm better then god. u no why?
Matt: that's amazing, how do you do that? it's like you're thinking at me with my brain
Satan: watch this. man I'm so evil
Matt: ouch, that hurts
Satan: projecting into ur little brain evil things. like a bad movie
Matt: yes, I didn't know something that big would fit there. ouch
Satan: ur so gay
Matt: you made me do it
Satan: pitch fork u to death. yes how I made u make a movie about me
Matt: Once I was pursued by a mob with pitchforks and torches.
Satan: pretty dam cool of u. I will not take u to hell that fast. keep serving my will. pray to me. thank me for not taking u to hell now
Matt: Let me tell you how it was [Once again the restaurant mobilizes in a festive performance, this time of "I Got Ideas" - http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=6173018]
Satan: Oh, shut up
[Curtain falls. Orchestra continues to play muzak versions of Icehole Sailors songs through the first intermission]
Act 2
[It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy.
Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker have established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth.
The evil lord Darth Vader, obsessed with finding young Skywalker, has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space....
Meanwhile, back on Earth, I continue My Dinner With Satan. Curtain rises]
***
Matt: So Satan, is it true you don't have music in hell, only in purgatory?
Satan: there is no purgatory. only heaven and hell.
Matt: did they lie about that to me, too?
Satan: and the middle grounds on which u stand. the bible was written by me by the way.
Matt: well, I've imagined there's no purgatory... It's easy if you try.
Satan: not a word really true. no history can back up the bible lies. no facts other than a few broken stone tablets.
Matt: how about John Lennon, is he with you, too?
Satan: John is in hell, yes.
Matt: Can I expect to meet Kurt Cobain in hell, too?
Satan: dime bag Darrell is in hell.
jimmy Hendrix is in hell.
Jim Morrison is in hell.
Paul will die next.
he also will be coming to hell.
Matt: I was in a band that opened for Nirvana once. but I didn't meet Cobain because there were like 8 bands in between us. So I'm looking forward to meeting him in hell.
Satan: ringo will also live in hell forever.
Matt: How about Andy Warhol? Hell?
Satan: Kurt is in hell. he killed himself and many think it was a murder.
Matt: Can you ask him if it's true what Rat said - that he remembered me from the Wimps? Cause I didn't remember him at all.
Satan: I was watching him rolling on the floor as he shot up drugs and then shot himself. It was so funny.
Matt: Brian Jones? Is he in hell?
Satan: he is a special friend to me we get along great. he reaps souls for me part time.
Matt: Jim Croce?
Satan: no Jim C. did not make it to hell.
Matt: Oh, man. if anybody deserved to go to hell..
Satan: he is alive. faked death.
Matt: ah, so he still has a chance..
Satan: like Bon. Bon lost his singing voice. so he faked his death. Bon will be living in hell when he dies.
Matt: Bon? Jovi?
Satan: Scott. As in AC/DC
Matt: oh, right.
Satan: highway to hell
Matt: and he didn't even make it. ironic.
Matt: Elvis is not in hell. he is alive
Matt: is he hanging out with Emilia Earhart and L Ron Hubbard on a UFO ?
Satan: he will go to hell when he dies.
Matt: Excuse me, I got a chunk of steak caught in my throat, I need to go to the men's room and try to suction it out with a toilet plunger. Of course, since you are Satan you already knew that. brb!
Satan: you will choke and die. ass off
[The curtain falls, the audience laughs uproariously and applauds.]
Act 3
The gripping conclusion to "My Dinner With Satan" . It's a story old as time, yet paradoxically ripped from today's headlines. It's Boy meets Satan, Boy gets Satan, Boy loses Satan. It's all this and more. Can your heart stand the shocking facts about My Dinner With Satan?
***
Satan: Your music sucks so I'm going to suggest to everybody they listen to it and judge for themselves... the worst music I ever heard,, After they listen and rate it, you will be booted off sound clits.. or my name isn't AlzBuzzaBob, short for Satan.. L O L
Matt: thank you for the warm endorsement. I have added it to my soundclick page News section, Along with some other choice quotes from other respected authorities.
Satan: the band's name is asshole butt lickers, right?
Matt: Actually, it's the Ice Hole Sailors. I've been thinking the band needs some good, oak hearted work songs about chopping a hole in the ice, then sailing around in the open water. I expect the songs would have to be very short. I have a short one... "Oh Cabin Boy, Oh Cabin Boy, That dirty little nipper, He rimmed his ass with broken glass, And circumcised the skipper."
[Once again, blah blah blah. A jazz arrangement, sung to the tune of O Tannenbaum one of the all time great shanty tunes, based on this version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1_0YIp1DtQ]
Satan: awesome job for a butt monkey ass lover.
Matt: I'm overwhelmed by your generous praise.
Satan: I will summon the waiter for some dessert. [Gestures. Waiter is immediately by their side]
Waiter: May I suggest the Angel's Food Cake?
Satan: Never touch the stuff.
Waiter: Divinity?
Satan: are you trying to make me sick? Bring me a slice of Devil's food cake.
Matt: I'll have ladyfingers.
Satan [Approvingly]. Yes! Yes! A very good choice.
Matt: While I was in the men's room dislodging that steak, it occurred to me that this encounter between us would make a great theatrical presentation, a musical, a spectacle like old times!. . You've already heard some of the songs. I would use, I sang them here. I have ideas for some new ones.. But then, since you're Satan, you already know that. You probably planted them in me and made me think of them, just like you made me order ladyfingers for dessert.
Satan: Sucks. worst music i ever heard,, ,,i'll play lead guitar and sing in ur show,,..as alzbuzzabob
Matt: Alzbubbabob, my redeemer Or at least the redeemer of my music! This is so excellent I'm humbled and excited by your generosity. if it costs me my soul, so be it. How to go about building a better music now? I'm working on one thing...Satan lives within me this I know, though the bible don't say so, little children black and white, are his dinner for tonight, yes Satan hates me, yes Satan hates me, yes Satan hates me, the book of Satan tells me so. He'll have me for dessert.
[goes on to sing "Everything is Horrible In It's Own Way" which may or may not sound something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a45z_HG3WU]
Satan: that was funny
Matt: maybe more in a R E O speedwagon vein? And I'm gonna keep on killing You, Cause it's the only thing I wanna do, I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on killing you. Baby, I'm gonna keep on killing you, Cause it's the only thing I wanna do, I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on killing you.
[may sounds a bit like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgT_mJXbvCQ]
Satan: ha ha. I was playing them for a girl i like... ass u
Matt: I'm just trying to figure out what the points of contact here are.
Satan: whatever dude,, u will burn in hell,, while i fork u to death
Matt: I have tried to get down to the bottom of the tagged thing. It's clear you don't have an account there. They must rival you for being evil! Myself, I go there for the ladies... Desicma H, sallyanne mark, Elô C, J Flo, Adriana M, Adriana Rosa C, Aiko Kimberly C, aishwarya, Alvaro P, Amber W, Ashley A, Babycristy L, Berenice, Black Angel, Borneo Gurlz, Browning S, Choey, Cindy H, Connie A, Cory N...
Satan: we must fill out a contract in ur blood...make it.
Matt: Satan the King Hell Demon, Had some very pointy horns, They've been poking my backside, Every day since I was born. All of the other demons, said "please kill the cast of Glee, If you do that dear Satan, You'll spare us all misery." just going with the ideas here
[To the tune of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvD9TkNlk_I]
Satan: so are you gonna sign?
Matt: of my collaborations are of the virtual persuasion, although I do like to consummate them with some face-to-face drinking, swordplay and human sacrifice
Satan: ok,,.
Matt: Do you like rap music? Here's a song I wrote with Badboy J ande my friend Leo, it's called Cachaca
[Big production number, yadda yadda yadda - performs this song: http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/song_details/2775088]
Satan: Whatever.
Matt: By the way, I tried to post a comment on your Facebook page, but it says, "Sorry, you may not have permission to add this comment or the original post may have been deleted.
Satan: i blocked u because ur music really really really sucks,, and i can support a band that sucks as much as u guys,,,so crap off
Matt: I'm glad to know you can support my band, because I'm really looking forward to what you will add to our sound with your singing and guitar playing. Soon I will complete the My Dinner with Satan Fart 3? A trilogy with only two parts is like Tommy Lee without a penis.
Satan: i ment to say cant u guys suck and I could careless what u say or do u suck and will always suck twat off and die
Matt: I've been improving the titles of the Ice hole Sailors songs, but to improve the actual songs would take demonic intervention I think.
Satan: stop talking to me u suck my big fat harry balls knob off and die for real..You cant kill whats already dead bitch again don crapping talk to me again u twatting knob.
Matt: OK, I can see you are having one of those midweek slumps. I'll wait a while before I talk to you about the Icehole Sailors again.
Satan: ok now I'm gonna fry u. I gave u a chance to back off now I will play the game and fry u to hell assing crap off
Matt: I get the impression you may have cooled somewhat to the project.
Satan: warning I will twat ur life up for real u better stop talking to me u knobbing ass for real
Matt: If that's how you want it to be, Satan...
Satan: crap off. I have stuffed my ears with chunks of spam, so no use in talking to me any more asshole.
[Curtain closes, audience gives a respectful. sustained standing ovation]
Additional resources:
http://www.soundclick.com/IceholeSailors
http://www.soundclick.com/TheFrostHeaves
http://www.soundclick.com/Waiters
http://mattlove1.blogspot.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEkvz9y4cNg
Act 2
http://www.soundclick.com/wimps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2MY2cGoxWk
Act 3:
http://www.youtube.com/user/ufolksvids
http://www.facebook.com/abranson3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEkvz9y4cNg
--
I want to play in your town for you and 2 of your friends.
http://eventful.com/performers/matt-love-/P0-001-000156481-4/demands
