Dear Sir or Ms
I hope this fine day finds you in good health. I am doing well. I'm
currently visiting my parents in their home in Wenatchee Washington.
My folks, despite one being in his 90s, and the other in her 80s, are
doing relatively well. They spend a good deal of their time watching
TV these days, which of course is their right; they have done their
part and now it is time for them to reap the rewards of a lifetime of
toil. If only the popular media paid them back better. I personally
have not owned a TV since I left this home in 1974. Therefore, it is
quite likely that I have an immature and incomplete understanding of
How Things Really Are, inferior to my peers who have spent a lifetime
suckling at the glass teat. This is why I am writing to you.
I saw an advertisement (during a presentation of the second
installment of the the Ace Ventura franchise, surely one of the
towering achievements of western civilization) for a movie called
"Legally Blonde." The announcer, speaking in a deep and also deeply
authoritative voice, informed me that the subject of the movie was
about to go to a place where no Blonde had gone before - Harvard.
This astonished me. While I have never actually set foot on Harvard
soil, my understanding is that it has been around a good long while.
Perhaps even longer than there have been a United States. Yet nobody
of the Nordic (or perhaps albino?) persuasion has ever been admitted
to Harvard? That would be astonishing indeed.
I have thought about this until my brain hurts. I am doubly
handicapped - in addition to being televisionally challenged, I did
grow up in Wenatchee, where at birth we are basically set loose in the
orchards to fend for ourselves, eating apples and being tended over by
cows in a desultory fashion. I have only ever known one person who
went to Harvard - my high school girlfriend Kate Duey. I hasten to add
that she did not grow up in Wenatchee, but rather just inexplicably
appeared among us one day, like Venus composing herself out of sea
foam - and later just as mysteriously departed from our midst.
Kate's hair is in fact dark. My current wife (I do try to upgrade
regularly) tells me that an N of 1 is not a large enough sample size
from which to draw a valid conclusion. Since she too grew up far from
the arsenic, nicotine and lead-poisoned soil of this quaint little
valley, (and has a doctorate in health systems research, a topic she
teaches on from time to tome) I defer to her on this one.
However, I still have the assurances of my television that no Blonde
set foot at Harvard before the subject of this documentary arrived
there. Rather than dilly-dallying around with this any further, I'm
writing directly to you for assistance. Please tell me the truth, I
can handle it.
SIncerely,
Matt Love
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