(AP) Two of the biggest stars of the Ladies Baseball League (LBL),
Courtney Love of the Holey Hos of Hogsoth and Wynona Ryder of the
Doe-Eyed Ladies of the Heartland, tested positive for performance
enhancing drugs. In startling and improbably coincidence, both were
caught using corked bats in league play. Despite the apparent symmetry
of the cases of these girls, who are proclaimed by many to be the
diamond's best friends, public response has been radically different.
68% of LBL fans have demanded that the widow Cobain be burned at the
stake. 30% felt that she should be tortured before being burned at
the stake. 2% are dead.
In the case of Ms Ryder, thousands of fans have mobilized in her
defense. Some have organized into a support group, the
Anti-bizarro-ultrazine Fair Play for Wynona Committee. Some have
asked that she be made ward of the state, putting her beyond the grasp
of the abuses of the Ladies Baseball Commission (LBC). Some are
lobbying congress to make her exempt from all laws. Others are
pressing the president to offer her clemency. Many are pressing the
Supreme Court to make her president. A letter writing campaign to the
Pope demanding that she be canonized is underway.
Sociologists and other parasites ponder why people are reacting so
differently to these two cases. Love has virtually no support;
Ryder's supporters are outspoken on the topic, offering forceful, but
unsupported arguments.
"Courtney is a punk bitch, who got what she deserved – Wynona is the
refined and reserved victim of a punk pitch," Said Committee Chair
Michael "Flava" Ferret. "She was set up."
"Yeah, said Pops "Goetz" Weasel, Committee vice president, "Wynona's
bat wouldn't have cracked if that baseball hadn't hit it. Courtney is
a crack-addled rat with a face like a mitt!"
The Committee has special enmity for Social Critic and washed-up,
former media executive Matt "No relation to the notorious Courtney"
Love."
Ferret said, "Where does that asshole get off, anyway? When he's not
insisting innocent people should not be persecuted, he's demanding
guilty people be treated equally. What an asshole he is! Asshole,
asshole, asshole!"
Indeed, recently they held a rally where they used an effigy of Matt
Love's fictional alter ego, "the Gleaming Skull," for target practice.
"Back where I come from we have a name for that sort of thing," fumed
Love. "We call it character assassination!"
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