[CanYoAssDigIt] Kate Pierson Thought She Was Still In The Closet...

http://www.giampetruzzi.com/images/images/Stories/Kate%20Pierson/Pierson%202005/Kate%20Pierson%202005.htm

So, I was just as surprised as everyone else when Pierson revealed to
me in an exclusive interview last summer that, like her band mates
Keith Strickland and Fred Schneider, she's gay — or "wild and
bisexual" as she put it.

This interview reminded me of a story in the Onion. The only real
surprise was that Cindy Wilson is straight and married.

Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet
September 1, 1999 | Issue 35•31

TOLEDO, OH—Despite the fact that everyone he meets obviously assumes
he is gay, 34-year-old Toledo-area homosexual Jeremy Schuitt still
thinks he's in the closet, local sources reported Tuesday.

A graphic designer who secretly frequents Cruisers, a local dance
club, Schuitt has told only four people about his homosexuality.
However, nearly all of his friends, co-workers and relatives are well
aware of it, as is the clerk at the neighborhood Starbucks where
Schuitt orders a "double mocha 'capp' in [a] paper [cup]" every day
before work.

"Jeremy is a very nice guy, and I totally support his sexual
orientation," said co-worker Diane Pulaski, one of the countless
people to whom Schuitt has not come out. "I think it's great that he's
so open about it."

Though Schuitt denies dating men and feigns ignorance of gay culture,
his extensive collection of handpainted Italian tiles and love of
Stephen Sondheim are well-known.

Among the many other indicators that have tipped off the world to
Schuitt's homosexuality include his running commentary on footwear,
his constant playing of the Pet Shop Boys' Very on the mini CD boom
box at his workstation, his standard greeting of "And how are we doing
today?" and the week-long depression he fell into following Princess
Diana's death.

"Sadly, we still live in a largely homophobic society, so there are
many reasons why an individual would choose to hide his gayness," said
magazine editor James Allenby, for whom Schuitt frequently does
freelance graphic-design work. "That's why I applaud Jeremy's decision
to just let it all hang out. He's so incredibly fun and flamboyant."

As people get to know Schuitt better, however, they inevitably
discover that his openness is purely accidental.

"What can I say? I just adore Paris," Schuitt told co-worker Geri Hahn
recently. "The Seine, The Louvre, Jean-Paul Gaultier—I'd die to live
there someday."

"That is," Schuitt added, "assuming my girlfriend Jackie would want to
move there, too."

Schuitt's invention of "Jacqueline"—his French-Canadian fiancée
currently touring Canada with the Montreal Ballet—is just one of the
many cover stories Schuitt has created to hide his homosexuality from
those in whom he cannot confide.

Unbeknownst to Schuitt, every one of his efforts has been
unsuccessful. Even those friends who have not accidentally found
Manhole Magazine's 1998 Boy-Toy Revue video Schuitt keeps hidden
behind his entertainment center have noted the other tell-tale signs
of homosexuality around his apartment, such his extensive collection
of pierrot figurines and coordinated futon cover and curtain set.

Progressive and open-minded, Schuitt's friends have fully accepted his
closeted status and have tried to create a comfortable environment for
his sexual denial. But despite their open-mindedness, many of these
friends were shocked and uncomfortable upon discovering that Schuitt
was not yet "out."

"Of course, I've always respected his right to privacy regarding that
very personal decision," friend Erin Chance said. "But there's no
doubt about it--he's gay. Not just a little gay, really gay."

Chance is among the many people who, upon meeting Schuitt, told him
that they "have lots of gay friends," only to have the closeted man
nervously reply that he thinks his sister might have a gay friend.

"I felt a little embarrassed for just assuming, but how was I supposed
to know?" Chance said. "My gaydar tells me he's way out of the
closet."

Janice Sharperson is among the four friends whom Schuitt, in moments
of abandon, has told, "I'm not sure, but sometimes I think I might be
bisexual."

"Big shocker, huh?" Sharperson said. "I know it makes sense that he'd
be used to hiding it after growing up Catholic in a small town, but
we're all secretly rooting for him to come out. It's getting kind of
weird acting like we don't know that everyone knows he likes men."

Even Schuitt's distant relatives are aware of his homosexuality.

"Last fall, at his cousin Bryan's wedding, Jeremy stood up to make an
announcement," said Bea Langan, Schuitt's great aunt. "I thought for
sure he was going to tell us all his little 'secret,' but instead he
told us that his girlfriend unfortunately couldn't make it because she
had pneumonia. Oh, well. Maybe next time."

Schuitt, who first realized he was attracted to males in high school,
has been perceived as gay since fifth or sixth grade.

"Jeremy is one of those students I'll never forget," said Marcia
Krause, Schuitt's middle-school drama teacher. "He was so sweet and so
talented--you should have seen him in Pippin. I wonder where he is
now. San Francisco or the West Village, I suppose."

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