This is too good. It's like the product music of old...
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24 Today brings what the ages will hail as the most
mind-boggling Hot Tip in Last Days' history, courtesy of
worship-worthy Hot Tipper Cilantro. The scene: The Starbucks Licensed
Stores Awards ceremony, a celebratory/motivational leadership
conference, held this evening in the fourth-floor ballroom of the
Washington State Convention Center. "Boring stuff, as usual corporate
things go," writes our man Cilantro. But things took a turn for the
surreal when the emcee announced "something special for you
all--Jefferson Starbucks!" after which the hydraulic stage rotated to
reveal a pretend band comprised of the upper-management folk the
audience had heard speak earlier in the evening. "They were standing
in front of a huge American Bandstand-esque 45 single dangling in the
air," writes Cilantro. "And they all had on rock 'n' roll Halloween
costumes: pink glitter wigs, white fishnet shirts, fake leather pants,
as well as big fake instruments--a huge, oversized piñata guitar and
keyboards. It was like a living cake decoration." From this most
promising of plateaus, Jefferson Starbucks quickly ascended to the
heavens, lip-synching their way through a company-specific rewrite of
Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City," the 1985 anthem that made
fresh headlines last year by topping an international critics' poll of
the worst songs ever. But tonight, Starship's crap was Starbucks'
gold, as "We Built This City On Rock 'n' Roll" was reborn as "We Built
This Starbucks on Heart and Soul!" with lyrics rewritten to celebrate
the Starbucks way:
Knee-deep in the mocha/making coffee right
So many partners/working late at night
We just want to build here--IMDS, does it pass?
We call on development to complete the task!
Living the way of being,
In the Green Apron Book!
Don't you remember?
We built this Starbucks on heart and soul!
The rewrite even replicated the weird helicopter news report that
appears in the middle of the original: "I'm looking out over hundreds
of partners on another fantastic leadership conference and I'm seeing
a bunch of everyday heroes!" "I couldn't fucking believe it," writes
Cilantro. "The rest of the crowd was stunned, too. Eventually, the
emcee berated them--'Come on you guys! Dance! This is your band! This
is for you!'--and the crowd half-heartedly got up and just stood
there." (A moment of silence for the million silent deaths experienced
by the audience during the song's merciless four-minute-and-48-second
running time.) Best of all, before his departure, Cilantro was given
his very own copy of the inexhaustibly mind-blowing song, pressed onto
souvenir CDs and distributed with pride by Starbucks stars. Dear
Cilantro: Thank you for surviving and sharing. Humanity is forever in
your debt. Dear readers: To hear "We Built This Starbucks" in its
entirety, go to thestranger.com/specials/starbucks.php
