Countless were the times I stood and watched MommieDearASS stand there pulling her hair out by the roots, screaming at the top of her lungs...
"I'm calling the men in the white ocats !!
I'm calling the men in the white coats!!!"
All because I wouldn't go to Sunday School with her each Sunday untill they dragged me out from under my bed and across the street with my heels marking the asphalt.
Had I kinown THEN what I know NOW,
I would have happily awaited the aRRival of the men in the white coats
to take me away ha ha he he ho ho.
My Mommie DearASS..I think (I think)
I will keep her (I think) in
Southern Florida and I will remain in Hollywood, CA...
It's as safe a place as I can get.
I mean I saw WAY to many AIRPORT, Posieden Adventure and Titanic movies to take my happy ass off any green spot, so I am stuck here.
Mommie DearASS is cool though.
JUST LIKE ME.
She only disappoints me in that she still has, at the age of 80, this teenaged voice on the telephone.
For decades I have tried to get her interested in all these phone sex 1-800 numbers where she could have a ball(s).
She is a computer genius on top of all that but not interested in the webcam thing.
Of course she would have to find some retarded much younger neighbor to pose for all that as SHE directs.
I know she can do it.
It's NOT The end of the weird
just because a person is 80.
Yet she prefers Bingo,
and watching ELLEN, and The View.
(what the hell?)
I just pray to God after enough Sunday School lessons that I am not playing Bingo when and if I reach that age.
Once she lost a book of postage stamps and accused me of stealing them.
She said that she would buy another book of stamps and shove them up her Vagina where no one could find them.
One of the things I learned in those Sunday School classes was that if you don't know what to say or do, that God would work through you and speak through you.
I didn't know what to say or do, so what came out in response to her declaration was this..
"Oh, Mother, Please !
Don't shove them UP THERE !!
YOU won't be able to find them!!!"
May sound like we don't get along but the truth of the matter is that we DO.
We're just too much like another
and I suppose the only difficult part of it is that when we are together we are looking in the mirror and that is acceptable to me.
HAS TO BE.
What ELSE is a guy gonna do (do)?
I am able to accept her as well as myself, unlike my older brother and sister who still play the game and only visit every five years or so.
I spend two weeks with her once a year
and have always recovered in time before I do it again.
My older brother and sister?
I haven't seen either of them since the weekend Princess DI died.
Nor any of my 5 other younger siblings.
Fine with me, less Chrsitmas cards to send.
Mother DearASS is enough for me.
We love one another to death.
If you know what I mean.
Hope she had a wonderful Mother's Day.
I shaved my shoulder length hair that she despised and sent her an email copy.
Probably killed her.
We must all do what we can to preserve civilization
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